April 2011

Dear Ms. Insurance Agent: Math Matters!

Hello Ms. Customer Service Award Winner of the Year:


When I called you today to ask you about adding some coverage to my car, your voice was polite; some might say it was as smooth as silk. Which was in a small way, refreshing and nice to hear.


Unfortunately, whoever hired you for your perfect telephone voice failed to notice that you didn’t have any brains between your ears, which is much, much more important than your soothing voice.


Open Letter to eHarmony: Expect a Lawsuit Soon


Dear eHarmony,


I am going to have to consider taking legal action against you in the near future if you don’t amend your ways and change the very nature of your website. My particular concerns with eHarmony and all things connected loosely or otherwise with eHarmony are all related to the following eHarmony experience which took place on a lonely Wednesday in the wee hours of the night.


I spent nearly an hour filling out your forms, explaining to the minutest detail my likes and dislikes and giving you a truthful sampling of what my personality (and thus me depending on what you think of the mind-soul body connection thing) are like. I bared my soul to you and told you what I was looking for in a man—something I usually keep close to my chest—and what I thought the ideal date would be.


Note to the Nosey Cashier


Note to the Nosey Cashier at the Store:


It is none of your beeswax what kind of gum I chew.


I know that you are clearly bored with your job and are waiting for your eighteenth smoke break of the day (I could tell by your voice that you are at least a two-pack a day smoker), but let’s be realistic. I don’t like you making a mental note of what kind of gum I chew and I like it even less when you make observations about what kind of gum I chew.


Quite frankly, it weirds me out.