In the past five days, I spent roughly sixteen hours in the worst place in America: the coach section of a commercial airplane. Air travel is boredom, discomfort, humiliation and general human ugliness all wrapped up in an increasingly expensive package. The gaudy, unnecessary cherry on top of this sundae of misery is, without a doubt, the Sky Mall magazine sitting in that useless seat pouch. Sky Mall has been a punchline in and of itself for many years now, but it's obviously still a profitable venture. I can only imagine that Sky Mall only has two kinds of customers. One is the kind of person who spends his or her poverty-line wages on stupid crap like mail order decorative knives and collectible plates. The other are the people who are so rich that their lives have transformed into an endless quest to acquire. Flipping through the Sky Mall magazine on my last flight, I saw the following items and just couldn't let knowledge of their existence remain confined to the cabin of the jet.