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Hey You, Your Face is Orange!

To the Oompa At the Gym

Open Letter to the Oompa at the Gym:


I know that you are probably the victim of a Ponzi scheme and want to feel better about yourself by making a good impression at the gym; first, I’d like to commend you on your boob job. Please do tell—who exactly was your surgeon?


And, your outfit was really, really cute. I didn’t realize that Pamela Anderson had a line of clothing out. Or is it Hugh Hefner’s line? It doesn’t matter; I’m sure I’ll hear all about it the next time I watch my new favorite TV show “Inside Edition.”


So, while your tatas and your outfit are looking good—except for the fact that you forgot to wear a sports bra for the treadmill—your face is orange. I don’t think it’s self-tanning lotion because I’ve used that before without turning my face into a popsicle shade and it didn’t look like a tan form either the sun or a tanning bed. The logical assumption that I am making a very small leap to is that you lathered your face with some sort of make up before heading to the gym, which seems counterproductive in a way.


IF you actually attract a guy at the gym, which is possible as we do live in a world of Heidi Montags and Pamela Andersons, what would you say about the orange make up dripping down your face?


“It’s natural. My sweat is always orange”? It goes without saying that a response like this would make you sound like a bimbo and you probably don’t want that.


And don’t think I’m the only one who notices things like that at the gym. Guys notice that kind of thing to. And, while this may be a hard concept for you to understand, some guys might just think that orange dripping sweat detracts from your inner beauty. Not only that, orange dripping sweat might also detract from your bouncing fake breasts.


But probably not.


I know I shouldn’t care, but when you’re on the machines staring at a TV without sound, it’s nice to look around at the gym patrons to see what they’re doing. So, yes, that means you, too. I would say that I don’t mean to be rude, but I kind of do mean to be rude, so that wouldn’t be completely honest now, would it?


So, as a piece of advice, the next time you head to the gym, do your fake-and-baking before hand so we don’t have to look at your Ooompa face?