Did Pan Shit On My Sidewalk?

Did Pan Shit On My Sidewalk?

I walked down the stairs the other day and there was human excrement at the bottom of the stairwell; normally, I would chalk it up to a homeless person, but we don’t have a high-enough density here for panhandlers to make a living, so I doubt it was a homeless person.

I have no idea why someone would want to poop on the sidewalk- I originally thought it was a dog, but was told by a local excrement-expert that it most assuredly was not a canine and that the “shitty” perpetrator was indeed human. I am really hoping that the dude (I just can’t imagine a chick doing it) just had a little emergency after a late night drinking. Or maybe one of my extremely quiet and polite neighbors did something to piss somebody off because I know that it couldn’t have been me.

Yesterday, I went to my truck at the local Queef (QFC) and found that a dog had pissed all over my left front tire. Yes, I’m well-aware that my truck is not necessarily the most attractive, nor the greenest vehicle in the parking lot, but I’m not yet ready to amass a huge debt for a new car- not unless I absolutely have to. Again, I don’t know if the dog was acting independently or was part of a larger terrorist organization, so I advise you to check your tires just in case you, too, have been hit. (I also have yet to analyze the urine for any radio-active materials that may have been in it- my contacts are trying to get in touch with Kiefer Sutherland as soon as possible to make arrangements.) I checked around, and did see a suspicious-looking poodle with a pink sweater, but there were no human witnesses to the “alleged” crime.


So, as far as my year has gone, none of these incidents were so bad. Well, except for the excrement on the sidewalk- I am NOT going to go buy a doggie-bag poop-picker-up thing to pick up someone’s poop- it’s just not going to happen. And, since I didn’t see any other signs of excrement on the long-stretch of sidewalk where I live, I am going under the (probably correct) assumption that this was not the act of a terrorist and that the truck and the sidewalk incidents were unrelated coincidences that nothing to do with either terrorism or a higher power- unless of course, you consider Pan as a higher-power, because this is exactly the kind of stunt he would pull if he visited the city.