Please stop calling my child, “Buddy.”

I get that you don’t know if she is a girl or a boy because she has short hair, glasses, and chooses to dress in the clothes that she picks out (sporty t-shirts, anything with dinosaurs, plain blue or green patterns) rather than the ones that well-meaning relatives provide for her (princess-themed shirts, skorts, pink frilly things) as gifts. We let her choose, and we are completely happy with her interests and the way she chooses to express herself.

But you don’t have to label her just to make yourself comfortable with who she is. Then you start asking questions that relate to her as “buddy” and not “princess” or “sweetie,” as you might call a girl child. I hear you ask the girls if they like a certain princess, tell them how pretty their dresses are or their hair is. “What a pretty girl!”

You ask my daughter—whom, of course, you assume is my son—if “he” likes to play with trucks. What’s his name? Does he like Spiderman?

Actually, yes, she does like trucks. And as for her name—which could is a unisex name, which confuses you even more—well, you can ask her yourself. She’s not stupid.

I also get that you are simply trying to be nice. You don’t mean any harm. But not only does my daughter get confused—I remember getting confused when I was considered a boy until the second grade, and my sister after me; neither of us liked our hair long or our clothes flowy—it also projects your assumptions and gender roles onto her, which I don’t like one bit.

It also projects your own stereotypes against boys, too. I’ve noticed how you have maybe a dozen little pet names for the girls—sweetie, doll, honey, sugar pie, darling, princess, whatever—and this single one for the boys (and my daughter). Why buddy? Can’t boys be sweeties and honeys, too? I remember calling one of my daughter’s boy friends a sweetie once and he gave me the biggest grin.

That said, wouldn’t we better serve these kiddos by calling them by their given names rather than demanding that they be sweet, honey-ish, a princess, or a buddy at first sight rather than whom they already are? Maybe Janie doesn’t like to be a princess; maybe she likes to be a pirate. Maybe Jake would rather play princesses. Why do we have to make assumptions about kids before we even know them based on the gender we perceive them to be?

It seems to only lead to more judgment in adulthood.