June 2009

401k

We're all going to hell in a hand basket. Unemployment rates are skyrocketing, foreclosures are still on the rise, inflation may be coming, and we could be in a depression, not a recession. One number that seems to be missing from the numbers of our times are the numbers that reflect the "under-employed". I'm not even necessarily talking about part-time employees, but instead employees that have lost or had their benefits reduced to almost nothing. 

Take the case of my friend "Kara" who has a "good", full-time job. The pay has yet to be reduced, but that is the probably the last thing to go.

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While at home:

1 Accuse your roommates of their “sniffing glue addictions” while friends are around. 

-          I had a roommate who used to randomly accuse people of stealing his food (not true), but it was hilarious; I can only imagine the hilarity of “confronting” a roommate with a “sniffing glue addiction”.

2 Ask 1-800 operators out on dates.

-          Back when I was 12 (before cell phones were around), my friends and I would prank call 1-800 operators… although we never thought to ask them out.

3 Light a road flare on a roommate’s birthday cake

-          And I thought trick candles were bad… try blowing out a road flare.

4 Stand over someone’s shoulder and mumble as they read

-          My brother used to do this to me all the time, just to piss me off… not funny, but annoying.

5 Lick the filling out of all the Oreos and stick the cookie pieces back in the tray.

-          I did this to a kid back in the fifth grade, except instead of licking all the filling out, I would lick the center of the filling out, fill the rest with Elmer’s glue and offer him the “rest of my cookies”.  Worked every time!  …I do feel guilty now.

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HaHa- Perez Hilton is a fool. The celebrity blogger who gets paid for being a judgmental little whiner, has had a rough week. First he forfeited his gay rights credit by calling Black Eyed Peas manager Polo Molina an “effen fa&&ot”. He then forfeited his dignity when he got punched back in the face by Mr. Molina. He also dragged it on by making videos about the whole mess when he should have just let his bad behavior go the way of Michael Jackson. And now he had his credibility removed personally by the mother of slain gay man Matthew Shepard, whose foundation is one of the biggest gay rights groups in America. It seems Mr. Hilton was counting his law suit chickens before the hens even filed any paperwork by promising that any settlement he gets from the pending lawsuit would go to the Matthew Shepard Foundation. Well, except that the foundation doesn’t want Perez’s homophobic statement money.

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Burger King AdSo, Bacardi wants girls to get even uglier girlfriends to look better by comparison. Now, Burger King wants girls to "put seven inches in our mouths"? This does not appear to be a joke, either. So, yet again, I find myself asking the same question again and again, "What crack pipe are they smoking?"


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Perfume BottleI hate your perfume.  Yes, I know it is probably expensive and has a French name with a rather delicate flower on the label. I know the bottle is crystal and that you feel womanly and sexy when you put it on, but I will say it again, I fricking hate your perfume.

Whenever I step into an elevator with you, I feel like my skull is going to explode because your fricking expensive French perfume stinks to high hell. Not only this, you usually don't have the good sense to use it wisely, with discretion. ie, a little bit at a time. No, instead, you dowse your whole entire body with the she-ite as if you are ready to go into a chemical warfare battle.


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I am sure there are several couples who are not in the media who are and will stay loyal to their spouse, and the media always does the best with bringing out the worst, but you start to wonder, is anyone still loyal these days?

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The Hands of TimeUsually when I am at my dentist, the esteemed Dr. Anita Fok (and no the name is not a joke), I don her Risky Business sunglasses with pleasure, try to be friendly to the hygienists which is somewhat difficult when speaking through gauze, plastic, and drool, and more importantly, try to make my mind transport itself to a happier place and time. So far, this is as close to Time Travel as I have ever gotten and it is usually back to the past.

I try to zap myself to lands far, far away....perhaps a beach in Thailand or nothing more exotic than a friend's party. Since I don't know where any wormholes are located, this is more difficult than it may seen. I was happy to discover, however, that others are taking the same route as I am, and doing it better, by delving not only into the past, but into the future as well.


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The Evils of Chocolate Chip CookiesIn New and Creepy Food Information you Probably Didn't Want to Know....

Dr. Kessler (you may recognize his name as the former FDA chief who had the cajones necessary to take on big tobacco) was inspired enough by his failure to NOT eat chocolate chip cookies on impulse enough to write a book about it: "The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite".  In his book, Dr. Kessler examines the reasons for our own impulse eating.

According to the NYT review of the book, Dr. Kessler believes: 

"by combining fats, sugar and salt in innumerable ways, food makers have essentially tapped into the brain’s reward system, creating a feedback loop that stimulates our desire to eat and leaves us wanting more and more even when we’re full."


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FREE DANIEL HAUSER!A Minnesota teenager, Daniel Hauser (13 years old) was ordered by a Minnesota judge that he must continue chemotherapy against his wishes.  Hauser who has Hodgkin’s Lymphoma fled the state to California with his mother trying to avoid taking chemotherapy, and wanting to look into alternative treatment.  The poor teenager has lost over ten pounds and most of the time does not feel like eating while taking chemotherapy.  The judge ruled that Hauser is still in need of child protection services and is to not leave the state.

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BrownAfter four months of speculation and criticism, Chris Brown finally pleaded guilty in the assault case against singer and ex-girlfriend, Rihanna.  Chris Brown allegedly beat up Rihanna after a pre-Grammy’s party on February 8^th, 2009 over a text message that Brown had received. 

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Berlusconi and his WifeWhy is it that powerful men always seem to screw the wrong woman at the wrong time? (and by this, I do not mean to imply that there is a right woman at a right time.) The latest sex scandal to hit Europe is centered in Italy, and has embroiled Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi.

Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi looks much younger than his 72 years. This is probably a good thing if the rumors are true that he has not only been cavorting with beautiful young women, but paying them to attend "private parties" as well. Unfortunately for Mr. Berlusconi, he may be in jeopardy of losing his job.

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Prozac NationI've never had much sympathy for Elizabeth Wurtzel of Prozac Nation fame (She wrote the book that later became the movie starring Christina Ricci) and after reading her latest article in Elle magazine, I have even less. She writes about being the beautiful child, who turned into the beautiful teenager, and then the beautiful young adult. Now, at the tender age of 41, she is regretting her choices as a capricious 20-something-year-old and worrying that she is old.


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Letterman joke gone bad

David Letterman had made a joke about Sarah Palin and her daughter (who he thought was Bristol) at the Yankees game, but it happened to be her 14 year old daughter Willow instead.  His joke, “One awkward moment with Sarah Palin at the Yankees game, during the 7^th inning her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez.”  He was referring to Bristol, the 17 year old daughter who is now a mother, not realizing she was at the game with her 14 year old daughter Willow.

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Surfer Lifestyle=Pretty SweetWhat do you do when your friend is married to a jerk?  "Katie" (not her real name is case you were wondering) is not a cougar per se, but she is married to hot surfer from South-East Asia who just happens to be six years her junior. He not only surfs very well, he looks fantastic. He has long, dark hair, and a surfer's chest and abs. He also happens to be an extortionist and a free-loader.  

She, being American and highly educated, has much more earning potential than he does, so has been footing the bills for the last five years of their marriage. They have no children and during this time, he has not only not worked, he has maintained a surfer's lifestyle on her dime while she has worked off and on in other countries to support his lazy ass. 

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The name is Bond. US Securities Bond. And the amount is $134 Billion. The location: the Swiss-Italian border. The crime: attempting to smuggle the bonds from Italy into Switzerland. The alleged perpetrators: two Japanese men caught on the train with their bonds in a suitcase.

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Whatever you do, don't get pulled over by the Oklahoma Highway Patrol. Even if you have witnesses. Even if you're a paramedic, transporting a patient to the hospital, you don't want to piss off these OHP good ol' boys.

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It's all about the CarI would just like to send a little message to all of the rich Republicans out there, oblivious to the recession. Wake the Fuck Up! Pardon my French, but did you happen to notice the tiny little thing that is quite possibly becoming a depression in this country? Or were you too busy enjoying your bonuses?

Our unemployment rate is at 9.4% according to a recent New York Times article. This means that virtually a tenth of the population is without jobs and those figures only reflect those actively looking for jobs.

People are still losing their homes to Foreclosures because they can't pay their mortgages, likely because someone in the family lost their job through no fault of their own.

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MasturbationI do not know what it is about me and people feeling the need to masturbate within my eyesight in a public place, but it has happened a few times now, and not because I asked for it. 

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Cows and Methane Gas- A New Dietary ApproachA few years ago, researchers at my alma mater the "esteemed cow college" Washington State University looked into whether or not gaseous emissions from cows had an effect on global warming. Surprisingly, the results came in that the methane gases the cows were belching, were also trapping heat and not helping the cause to fight green-house gases. In fact, methane gases are known to have up to 20 times the heat-trapping capability of carbon dioxide.

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Susan ShawOnce a princess, always a princess, isn’t that the saying?  Maybe that is why 35 year old Susan Shaw who was a previous Beauty Queen of Hawaii needed to continue to live the high life by stealing other people’s money and identity.  How hard is the life of a beauty queen?

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Dirty DruggiesHonestly, I am so tired of the stupid fight to get marijuana legalized.  If you walk anywhere in Los Angeles, you will see “Medical Marijuana” shops wherever you go.  We all know that more than half of the people who are going to these “Medical Marijuana” shops have a fake prescription.

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